Gibraltar

Someone once said: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.”

Gibraltar should be fantastic – Britain in the sun with Spanish and African influences, centuries of history from Moorish rule in the 8th century to World War Two in the 20th, sovereignty disputes between two EU countries, not to mention the only wild monkeys on the European continent.

But I should have known it was going to be disappointing when everyone started clapping on landing at the airport.

Okay, so it’s considered one of the 5 or 6 most dangerous airports in the world, but mostly because, as you can see from the photo above, the 4 lane Winston Churchill Avenue (the main land route to Spain) intersects the runway and has to be closed every time there’s a take off or landing. But with well over a dozen passenger and cargo flights a day, did anyone really think we were in any danger of not making it? Not a big fan of the landing applause.

After successfully crossing the runway on Winston Churchill Avenue, and driving along Trafalgar Road, past the Trafalgar pub, the Trafalgar cemetery and the Lord Nelson pub, I was starting to spot a theme. And starting to wonder where those Spanish influences might be hiding. I mean I knew it was going to be British, but I wasn’t prepared for just quite how British it is.

I wasn’t totally disillusioned when I set off sightseeing in the morning, but as the day wore on, I realised that I simply couldn’t find anything to like about Gibraltar. It felt like it promised a lot, but failed to deliver.

Gibraltar is a small place – only 6.8 km² – so there’s not actually all that much to do; it’s really just a day trip destination, as the cruise ships and coach parties from Torremolinos will testify. And there seem to be a lot of both of those.

As you’ll know if you’ve spent even two minutes in Gibraltar, the Queen visited in 1954, something of which they are still unaccountably pleased. She seems to have been there for a day trip too – and she packed it all in, renaming streets, presenting cups, visiting the waterworks, laying the foundation stone for a hospital and having afternoon tea at the Yacht Club.

I’m sure she loved it, but then I bet she didn’t have to queue for ninety minutes for the cable car up to the Rock, have a monkey sit on her head, visit the garishly illuminated caves or have to choose between pie, vindaloo or fish and chips for lunch.

“Some who died”….. in fact only two people are buried here who died of their wounds after the Battle of Trafalgar. The rest are from other sea battles or a yellow fever epidemic.

The Gibraltar Museum is actually quite big for such a small place, but entirely unmemorable except for the remains of the Moorish bath house built in the 14th century, but which was in total darkness as the lights weren’t working; the quite extensive section about the Queen’s visit (“one of the greatest days in Gibraltar’s history”, no less), and this bit of the museum, which you’ll be delighted to know was closed on the day I went 😉

St Michael’s Cave. I don’t even know where to start describing how decidedly dull this was.

Keep Calm and Eat British Fish & Chips. Check out that menu that was typical of places around Gibraltar. I didn’t eat in here actually, but generally speaking the food I did have was pretty terrible, so there’s some more Britishness for you.

Now then, everyone knows the most famous thing about Gibraltar is the monkeys.

This is one of the famous macaques inhabiting Gibraltar from uncertain origins. No one really knows how the monkeys got to Gibraltar; there are rumours of a underground tunnel linking Gibraltar with North Africa, although I’m not sure whether the British, the Moors, the Spanish or the macaques themselves are supposed to have built it.

Apparently there’s a belief that Gibraltar will remain under British rule as long as there are monkeys living there. During the Second World War, the monkey population fell to only 7, so Winston Churchill had a load more brought over from Africa to get the numbers up again. No wonder they named a huge highway after him.

If you want to see the monkeys, you have to go up to the Rock. You can walk up the Mediterranean Steps if you’ve got time and it’s not too hot. Or you can get the cable car, which is inexplicably at #5 in the TripAdvisor Top Ten things to do in Gibraltar 😯. However, not being inclined to queue for an hour and a half, then cram into a crowded car with lots of other sweaty tourists for £16.00 per person, we got a taxi.

But it’s all just one big tourist trap. You’re not really seeing them in their natural habitat; the taxi drivers are giving them peanuts to come and sit on you for a photo, and as you can see from one of the previous pictures, they are actually been given daily feedings of fruit. They’re not exactly domestic pets, but they aren’t really wild either.

More interestingly, there are great views from up here, including of Africa on a clear day. Perhaps the best thing to do in Gibraltar is go on a day trip to Tangiers?

Gibraltar – a country full of tourists and British people being ultra-British, with little to do or see, less than average food and a disappointing monkey experience. I went to Gibraltar because I’m ticking off countries that I’ve visited. But even if you’re trying to visit every country in the world or in Europe, then – just in case something happens that stops you finishing your list – I recommend doing Gibraltar last and even then managing your expectations.

The best thing about Gibraltar was the journey home and having a fabulous cheeky gin that Pickering has distilled exclusively for British Airways for their 100th anniversary and designed specially to be drunk at altitude 🍸🍸😋

Gibraltar: no need to go.